A lot of us aren't addicted to alcohol or drugs, we are addicted to escaping our reality, our thoughts, the pain the constant reminder of it all. I started off drinking just a few cans every day and not before 2pm. After a little while that turned in to drinking 4 and then 6, 8 and so on, I would tell myself that I didn’t have a problem because I was still functioning and It’s not like I drank before 12pm or drank until I couldn’t walk. I didn’t drink and drive, I ensured that I was able to collect the kids from childcare before I drank, or I would get my partner to pick them up once he was home from work. I still made dinner or arranged dinner, the kids were always showered and taken care of. Nothing really changed, the only thing that changed was that it took more and more to numb the pain, to be able to unwind, escape, relax and most of all feel like the old ‘ME’
I would wake up 100% fine, I wouldn’t even appear ‘drunk’ as such. My body just adapted and tolerated the gradual increase.
I had a report written about me by an IME psychiatrist that suggested that ‘rehab’ could be beneficial. This was extreme however once the initial ‘Are you actually kidding, what a joke!’ wore off It did make me realise that if I continued doing what I was doing ‘Self Medicating with Alcohol’ that I would end up in a rehab facility.
Reading that made me want to just drink more and be like F you!! Who are you to judge! I’m not even ‘that bad’ I realised then that yes I wasn’t ‘That bad’ yet! But I wasn’t ok. My behaviour wasn’t acceptable and this wasn’t the role model I wanted to be for my kids. I had ALWAYS said I didn’t want to be like the role models that I had growing up and their unhealthy addition to alcohol.
I am someone who will go all in or kind of not at all with many aspects of my life and I knew that IF I was going to stop drinking I would have to just go cold turkey! Weaning wouldn’t be an option because I wouldn’t stick to it. I had my birthday coming up, my hens and then my wedding which I knew I wanted to drink for so I set a goal of 5 months. I achieved it, was it hard! YES but I reminded myself everyday why I was doing it, for my children, my health and my partner!
I celebrated my birthday, our wedding and then just slipped right back into drinking, I actually went into another depressive episode (I will cover this another day) however I set my new years resolution to QUIT alcohol and be sober to break that habit, that dependence. My goal is 1 YEAR!
On the 1st of July I hit 6 months sober! I am so bloody proud of myself, I am only halfway but that’s ok I KNOW that I can do it!
If you are struggling with any type of dependence, addiction or feel like you are starting to go down that path please reach out My inbox is always open. ZERO judgement.
You’ve got this. You can overcome it. You just have to really dig deep and find your REASON. We all have a reason.